i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
