I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
