That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Randomize
