Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The air was thick with penises
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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