so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
