and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
