I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
