apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
