I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Randomize
