How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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