Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
bring money and cleavage
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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