Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
