How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
