Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
