I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
