It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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