eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You took a bar mat shot.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
