Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
