A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
