sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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