I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
