Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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