my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
