I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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