Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize