I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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