Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
