Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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