he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
