Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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