after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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