i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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