I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
