I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
