Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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