I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
