Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
