I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
