Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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