And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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