i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
