You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
