Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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