I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
