when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
