I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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