apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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