why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
