i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
