Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
