you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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