i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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