life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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