remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
