Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
