She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize