Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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