I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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