he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
