He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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